I’ve been listening to writers podcasts lately:
(Ditchdiggers , Scriptnotes, a tiny sense of accomplishment)
And I got my heart broken by the sense of purpose these people have. A fantasy author was talking about working 5 days a week writing advertizing copy and on saturday she works on her epic fantasy novel series. On saturday she “does the work she’s meant to do.”
I don’t have anything like that. When I was young I wanted to be a Science fiction writer based on the fact that I like reading it. I’ve written about 3 stories. One of which I went to the trouble of submitting to the major science fiction short story markets (which were healthier back then). After 2 or 3 rejections I kind of lost interest. Turns out I would rather do drone work for some money than to do creative work for the chance of maybe making money one day.
To be clear, I had the imagination, and it was a muscle I was used to using back then. I had descent skill as a wordsmith which could’ve been developed into something real. I just didn’t have the stick-to-itiveness.
I don’t have anything in my life that calls me like that. I really barely have hobbies. I just read on the internet, watch occasional movies, watch my kids, and do my work. And this, which I do so erratically I have trouble taking credit for it.
There’s this quote I got off Dan Millman (the “Peaceful Warrior” guy)
Happiness isn’t a destination. You find happiness on the path. But without a destination, there is no path.
I manage to be pretty happily in the moment, but I have no path. No destination. No goal. What I have is an outlook. a set of algorithms for dealing with situations. A little bit of intelligent examination of past results to tweak the algorithms… And sometimes I really feel that lack.
Sometimes Fatherhood fills that gap. Sometimes I do spend hours playing and talking with my kids and thinking about how to shape them into good people. Sometimes I let them watch TV so they leave me alone so I can surf the internet.
And that’s all I got.
I think I was hoping that as I wrote this my mind would look at my life with a new lens and suddenly purpose would emerge, but I guess not yet. Not today.